I lived on the border of Russian and Poland at the beginning of World War II. My citizenship was in Russia and back then if they said you were going to war, you were going to war with a smile whether you wanted to or not. Figuring it may be my last night with my family, namely my wife, I wanted to do something extra special for her to remember me by. The kids were asleep and she was waiting for me in the bedroom all preened and pretty and I had just finished my present for her when the front door burst open. Without thinking, I ran out of the bathroom to come face to face with three German soldiers, all with their rifles raised. Against their bayonets my own sword, ready for my wife, was raised as well. And it wasn’t going down anytime soon.
In the face of my erection they seemed to forget why they had come there in the first place. They pointed at it and jabbered something to me in German. I spoke only a spat of German and of the words they said I understood none except of course ‘the’ and ‘big’. Behind me I heard the door squeak as my wife peeked out. When the Germans continued to act surprised and insistent, they moved towards the back of the house, gesturing to my longer penis and then with shrugs of question. Taking a wild guess I slid into the bathroom, grabbed the penis pump I got that morning, and handed it to them. They poked it with their bayonets and jabbered some more confused German, so I mimed how to use it, pumped up my erection a bit more for a demonstration (all the while listening to the scuffles of my wife and children as they snuck out through the back door to the cellar), and prayed this wasn’t going to last much longer. I couldn’t help thinking that God had a sick sense of humor. I would have been laughing myself if it weren’t for my terror for my family.
Once I finished demonstrating how to use it the pump was snatched from me and I had a moment to peer over my shoulder as each soldier in turn zipped down their pants to try it out. They nearly forgot all about me in their excitement. You’d think Hitler didn’t allow a larger penis than his own or something.
Before I knew it I stood with a bunch of naked Nazi’s in my living room who had long forgotten their rifles in the corner. One had shut the door at the beginning of all this and the thunder of shots and screams echoed outside, yet they seemed too preoccupied with the biggest erections they had ever had in their lives.
They couldn’t bring themselves to shoot me after that, nor did they even try to find my hidden family. They commandeered my penis pump, said ‘Auf Wiedersehen!’, and vanished into the night. I was left with a wilting erection, a sense of confusion, and a family alive and safe.